orderfromchaos | 13. Lucky penny

[The memories reintegrating is exactly as strange as last time, fluid and roughly granulated at the same time, like having mud dragged through the crevices of his brain. He gulps for air, grits his teeth, pieces of him that are non-contiguous fitting forcibly together, gear teeth biting and grinding untill they snap and start to turn, the quiet weeks with Tessic like a deep breath in his chest, the barge a cacophany smacking him and then sinking inside, stones skipped into a river: Elsa, wary and brittle and bright; Vin with her severity and her old eyes and leaf-dappled shadow; Iris and the careful space between them like a fur coat, warm and safe and guilty; Hannibal like a cold hand on his shoulder; Abigail like the rocky ravines back home, harsh and amazing and beautiful. He clenches and unclenches his fists until it's easy to breath again, then gets up.]

[Spam for Elsa]

[He goes to see her first, in person, knocks on her door, relieved it's still there.]

I'm back. I don't know - I'm back.

[Filtered to Abigail, Helena, Vin, Jean, Iris, Bucky and Derek]

I didn't mean to go. The admiral - I was just home, I didn't ask for it, I didn't remember. I know - after what happened it might have looked like that, like I was running away, but I really didn't.

Just. So you know.

[He's run from a lot of things in his life. It's a character flaw he's aware of. But he didn't, not this time.]

[Public video]

How many of you saw parts of your future back during that flood where all our timelines got mixed up? Or any other time, for that matter?

I mean. What are we supposed to do with that? Knowing it's coming, but not when or why or how exactly. Should we do anything?

[A frown, a glance away, not biting his lip but kind of wanting to.]

Do you believe in fate, I guess, is my question. And what does it mean if you do.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[A breath out, slumping.]

Yeah. Thanks, man.

You alright?

Yeah, just - frustrated. Everything's kind of insane at home, and I wish I could just stay put and do what I need to do here, you know?

[He's scared. Manageably. He's been scared of one thing or another for most of the last four years.]

Edited 2014-09-12 21:57 (UTC)

Yeah. Might be nice to actually have control over when we're getting shipped home.

I'm a little worried it's the admiral's way of telling me to hurry up. That I should be doing something with Elsa that I'm not doing.

I wouldn't take it personally. You'll drive yourself crazy.

[He's been beating himself up about what happened with Ben, even months later. Not worth it to get started, Dillon.]

Yeah. Okay.

[A breath, a hand run through his hair, which was perfectly neat before and remains perfectly neat after.]

Thanks, man.

You're welcome.

[But he doesn't quite leave it at that, because he knows what people do when they're in this spot.]

Don't. I know it's easy to say and harder to do, but you're still here and so's she. You can't rush this stuff.

Yeah. You're right. I just.

[A small, sad sort of laugh -]

I just love her a lot, you know? And I've wrecked things for just about everybody I've loved, so I keep thinking I can't be doing it right -

- and at home, it basically is personal, every crazy thing that happens is about me.

Time to walk back the egomania, huhn?

Couldn't hurt.

[But he doesn't sound all that judgmental. If anything, he mostly just sounds tired.]

What do you mean, everything's about you?

Half the country thinks I'm the second coming.

[This is not a boast. This is super unfortunate and also makes him uncomfortable.]

The other half thinks I'm the antichrist. I bring back the dead, I accidentally set off a genocide in another dimension, society is collapsing because miracles freak people out -

[He makes a frustrated, self-conscious noise, rubs a hand through his hair.]

I know it sounds crazy.

About as crazy as the other shit people've gone through, here.

[Well, okay.]

Maybe a little crazier.

[He means it as a joke, because that's definitely a little on the side of unusual, even for here.]

[He holds up his fingers, half an inch apart, grinning slantwise. Just a tiny bit.]

But not unheard of. So I'm maybe exaggerating, but probably not delusional.

Probably not.

13. Lucky penny

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