orderfromchaos | 13. Lucky penny

[The memories reintegrating is exactly as strange as last time, fluid and roughly granulated at the same time, like having mud dragged through the crevices of his brain. He gulps for air, grits his teeth, pieces of him that are non-contiguous fitting forcibly together, gear teeth biting and grinding untill they snap and start to turn, the quiet weeks with Tessic like a deep breath in his chest, the barge a cacophany smacking him and then sinking inside, stones skipped into a river: Elsa, wary and brittle and bright; Vin with her severity and her old eyes and leaf-dappled shadow; Iris and the careful space between them like a fur coat, warm and safe and guilty; Hannibal like a cold hand on his shoulder; Abigail like the rocky ravines back home, harsh and amazing and beautiful. He clenches and unclenches his fists until it's easy to breath again, then gets up.]

[Spam for Elsa]

[He goes to see her first, in person, knocks on her door, relieved it's still there.]

I'm back. I don't know - I'm back.

[Filtered to Abigail, Helena, Vin, Jean, Iris, Bucky and Derek]

I didn't mean to go. The admiral - I was just home, I didn't ask for it, I didn't remember. I know - after what happened it might have looked like that, like I was running away, but I really didn't.

Just. So you know.

[He's run from a lot of things in his life. It's a character flaw he's aware of. But he didn't, not this time.]

[Public video]

How many of you saw parts of your future back during that flood where all our timelines got mixed up? Or any other time, for that matter?

I mean. What are we supposed to do with that? Knowing it's coming, but not when or why or how exactly. Should we do anything?

[A frown, a glance away, not biting his lip but kind of wanting to.]

Do you believe in fate, I guess, is my question. And what does it mean if you do.

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Three. Including me.

And Lourdes is...unreliable.

[This is the gentlest word for it he can think of.]

What does he think it is?

[Her smile is wryly sympathetic.] Sometimes it's easier not to have control.

[Stiles lifts his hand in a wave as he drops down beside Dillon, offering him a small smile and watching him spin the poker chip.]

Okay so have you ever drank before? Like at all?

I'm very sorry. That is a lot of responsibility to put on a mortal, I think.

Maybe too much.

I wouldn't take it personally. You'll drive yourself crazy.

[He's been beating himself up about what happened with Ben, even months later. Not worth it to get started, Dillon.]

[Elsa nods seriously, glad to hear it, but also understanding the indecision. The fact that staying locked away is a good solution to a problem you don't know how to fix, even if going outside means you'll have to confront it.]

That's good.

Maybe you can figure it out, while you're here.

Feels like it. But I've just got to - keep doing my best, I guess.

[And it feels - like relief, like sustenance, to hear someone else say it. He's not just being cowardly or lazy or stupid. It's okay to want to shirk his burden, as long as he doesn't do it.]

Thanks.

Other than communion wine?

[Which doesn't count, obviously, and he shakes his head.]

I never really had the chance, I guess. It's been a busy couple of years.

[A rueful laugh.]

I haven't asked yet. And he's not pushing yet. I know I'm being managed, kind of, but.

[A breath out, slow.]

Yeah.

Did you...? Have someone. I mean.

I hope so.

Yeah. Okay.

[A breath, a hand run through his hair, which was perfectly neat before and remains perfectly neat after.]

Thanks, man.

You're welcome.

[But he doesn't quite leave it at that, because he knows what people do when they're in this spot.]

Don't. I know it's easy to say and harder to do, but you're still here and so's she. You can't rush this stuff.

Yeah. You're right. I just.

[A small, sad sort of laugh -]

I just love her a lot, you know? And I've wrecked things for just about everybody I've loved, so I keep thinking I can't be doing it right -

- and at home, it basically is personal, every crazy thing that happens is about me.

Time to walk back the egomania, huhn?

That's all one can do.

Of course.

Do you miss it? What you can do?

[He says it in present tense anyway, can instead of could; his powers are such a part of him, constitutive, and he thinks of them the same way for other people.]

[That? That, Stiles understands. Before coming to the Barge it had been ages since he'd engaged in underaged alcohol consumption. Not that he'd ever made a regular habit of it, but by all intents and purposes, Stiles has always been a bit of a lawbreaker.]

Right, okay. So we probably shouldn't hit the Jack Daniels right out the door. Beer it is. [He pauses.] I mean unless there's something else you want to try.

Oh.

Yes, I do. But I understand why it had to be sacrificed.

Yes. [Her voice is softer, now, and a bit wistful.] Charles - he helped me learn how to control it, all of it.

[She takes a breath.] And then - later, he was able to seal the darkness away. [A slight, brittle smile.] But I don't think that kind of thing ever lasts.

Do you want to come in?

[Or go somewhere? Or get food? Anything, really.]

I don't know. Being told I still wasted my life after changing my mind wasn't exactly an ego boost.

Couldn't hurt.

[But he doesn't sound all that judgmental. If anything, he mostly just sounds tired.]

What do you mean, everything's about you?

[He shakes his head, casual, it's easier not deciding.]

Beer's fine.

Nothing lasts. Nothing's supposed to, anyway.

That's why life's precious.

Page 5 of 7

13. Lucky penny

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